Embodiment of Asphyxia (2021)

Afterword for the 4'4th anniversary edition

​

         Very quickly after publishing Asphyxia I concluded that I wasn't happy with the album. Marča (the producer) did a good job with what I gave him, but looking at it from the angle of composition and arrangement, it's amateurish. Due to my odd choices, there are sections where you can't make out a guitar part, and in general, the album is lacking in strong melodies to  make it a more engaging listen (considering the lack of vocals).

         Nevertheless, what I regret most is how I communicated the theme. For that reason I put together this anniversary edition, which will replace the original everywhere.

         Some texts were edited to get the message across more clearly, but the radical change is replacing Opet miriše na proleće (It smells like spring again), which used to last 3:55 and sound completely different, with a short interlude. I feel the need to give a clear, explicit reason for that choice.

         When I was 16, I wrote the first version of that song and sent it to a certain person in order to guilt-trip them over nothing, motivated by the frustration I felt over the consequences of my own toxic behaviour. (If you're reading this by any chance, I'm sorry.) That version of the song had lyrics which I don't remember in detail, but boil down to "Poor me, how could you do this to me, you hurt me so..." without explaining what specifically is the problem. Style-wise, the song was melodic, and a month later I send that person version 2.0 which was dissonant and lacked vocals. What I said is still ringing in my ears: "Remember how uncomfortable you felt when you heard the first version? I changed it up so anyone would feel that way upon hearing it." Eerily cold words.

         That "version 2.0" is the one I published on 17. 11. 2021. as the 7th track of Embodiment of asphyxia, 2 years after it was written. I then think that, rather than why I removed it, the better question is why I decided to publish Opet miriše na proleće in the first place.

         The purpose of that song, in context of Asphyxia, was the same as some of the texts like "About the hole" or "The River" - to document an example of my behavioural pattern. I placed it there as evidence of my callousness, though also as a picture of my emotions during that period. But, because I hadn't provided the context until today, this purpose couldn't have reached anyone. The only thing that could've happened was for the aforementioned person to listen to the song, and most likely feel very uncomfortable about its inclusion on the album.

         I concluded all of this 1-2 years after publishing Asphyxia, but I was unsure wheteher there was a point in removing the song. Cutting part of a work years after release is unusual. Maybe the person never listened to Asphyxia, or she doesn't care that the song is on a mediocre album barely anyone will ever hear.  Either way, those are just excuses. Now, not long before I reactivate Slom svesti in a more serious manner, is the last moment to do what I need to.

         The problem was actually in the contradiction of making a "Slom svesti album" about this topic. When starting the project, I set a principle - "Slom svesti is for me to express through music things I would never dare speak of cleary and unequivocally". But, being abstract is distasteful considering the subject matter. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, basically. To make an album where I technically speak on everything, but in such a way that one would need to put effort into deciphering it.

         I'll break this principle in order to preserve what's important - what I wanted to say.

         Embodiment of asphyxia is an album about how I, at 15-16 years old, hurt the people closest to me. About how I trampled on others' feelings by entering a relationship I didn't understand or truly want. How I constantly asked for emotional support, but never gave any in return, and never got better. How I said "I'm afraid of what I'd do if we parted ways", which is de facto a threat (context: I previously expressed being suicidal), and only after seeing the reaction to those words, I thought that maybe I'm making a mistake. How i was annoyed when the harm I caused was pointed out to me, and how I projected my cruelty onto the one I hurt the most.

         Now I can say, after 4 years and 4 months, that the first Slom svesti is finished.

Petar Stojanović, 28. 3. 2026.